ISAACS INTERVIEWS: MR RUMSEY

AND WE’RE BACK!!! Today marks a fantastic return to the beautiful Interview feature with our main man MR. RUMSEY!! Rumsey is a wonderful person who runs a wonderful site and happens to be about the only person in the world I can’t email. If you’ve never checked out his site – please do so after reading this – you’ll love it – I guarantee that!

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If you like what you read and want to be a part of these, just let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me. I would love for you to be included!! Also – if you need to kill some time, check out the past interview sessions HERE or HERE. You might just laugh yourself silly. Now, on to the good stuff:

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The last time you were abducted by aliens, you went on record saying that the probing was “not that bad”. Would you care to elaborate for our readers?

Well it was a harrowing experience but I’m trying to make the best of it. What was really cool though was getting to meet the lord of all the aliens. Apparently I’m special, and so he has awoken the power of telekinesis within me so that I can either fight crime, or just flick things over from a distance. He’s a cool guy, we’re getting a beer next week.

A few weeks ago, the wife and I went on vacation. At one point we stopped at a gas station to walk around and stretch and I saw a used rubber on the side of the road.  Is that how you dispose of your rubbers? Just toss them out the car window?

Dude, you have to stop following me. Why do you do it? Why are you trying to take your vacation wherever I am? I don’t like it, and your wife can’t like it either.  Just take a break man. Please.

My wife likes to call me a “public pooper” but I’m really not; I’m a shy and demure pooper who likes my privacy and no one else’s germs. One time I poured too much hot sauce into this stew I bought and I had to poop at the local state fair outhouse and I thought I was going to die. Where’s the worst place you’ve ever pooed?

Remember that scene in Trainspotting, well it was pretty much that place, just marginally more sanitary. Never use public toilets, that aren’t cleaned, in the middle of an Italian summer. Unpleasant is not the word.

Do you remember that scene in Porky’s where whatshisface is running  down the street naked and runs past those cops? Have you ever run down the street naked past a moving vehicle full of people? (I have)

I’m offended that you don’t remember, you were driving the car man! I thought I would have made more of an impression… is it really that commonplace an occurrence where you live?

Remember the old interview questions where I asked people if they thought Misty was insane because she didn’t eat olives?? Any condiment you are fond of that might amaze our readers??

Raw Octopus? That’s a food type which I can enjoy and which may surprise some people. That and pickled eggs. They are truly delicious things!

A month or so ago I got up one morning and saw that Linnea Quigley followed me on Twitter.  I’ve had the hots for her since I saw her in Return of the Living Dead in 1985 so now I can die happy. Is there any particular celebrity you would wish that of??

Julianne Moore. It will come as no great surprise to some of you as I talk about her a fair bit, however, I don’t think that will happen any time soon as I entered a film of hers into Shitfest. Damn.

We always need to have a good Jesus question in here so:  let’s say you’re like me and like to go to the movies by yourself; the Friday matinee when no one else is there to sit by you or bother you. One day you go to the theater, sit down and start eating your nachos when someone comes in and sits right in front of you even though there’s 200 empty seats. Irritated, you speculate moving and then notice it’s Jesus. What do you do??

Indeed! What’s an interview without a Jesus question? I think my answer depends upon what movie I’m watching. If it’s bad maybe I’ll ask him a couple of questions, perhaps ask to see a miracle or two. You know, that sort of thing. If it’s a good film though I’ll move straight away, and probably curse at him whilst I do so. Nobody interrupts my movie watching!

While we’re on the topic of regulars, here’s a standard Doctor Who question that no one ever has an answer to. If you could travel with any Doctor and be a loyal companion, who would it be? Mine would be during Peter Davison’s run and I would totally make it with Tegan Jovanka.

Well, I’m a Classic Doctor Who virgin so I’m going to be limited to more recent characters… is K9 allowed? He’s a companion right? He is the coolest one that I can think of, plus he has had a pretty decent run of adventures through the show’s history… I think… has he? If I’m right then K9 appears a lot and so I’ll pick a doctor at random that I would like to travel with… maybe Matt Smith’s? He seems like fun.

On our blogs, we all get googlers finding us with ridiculous search engine terms. Below is a copy and paste of the top five search engine terms for my site all time. Honestly, when I put that last word into a post I did a year ago, I thought I made that word up.  Do you get insane referrals from search engines??

An alarming amount of people have been referred to my site when on a quest to find Mr Valentin Filmi Izle. If you, or anyone else knows who this curious man is then please let me know, I cannot track him down myself. Apart from him I get a hell of a lot of people who are interested in the splendid dentures of Mr. Sean Bean, and whoever came to my blog after searching ‘rouille i’m due’ is just plain confusing.

I am notorious at work for making diagrams on whiteboards, what do you think of this one I did for a blog post coming sometime in the future????

I think I want to see that blog post! Something about this diagram calls to me… it makes my life complete.

Over a year ago my friend and I set up this site:

http://dontsitbymeahole.wordpress.com/

That I wanted to be a soundboard for a bunch of authors to write and gripe about stupid people but no one ever signed up. Why do you think that didn’t take off??

I really don’t know! I’ve had some fun looking over the site so who knows. Perhaps you should try to kick it back into life, give it another shot?

I was reading somewhere the other day that some Rodeo Clown got struck by lightning twice in one day. I don’t know the guy but I hate clowns so I am going to say the clown deserved it. Have you ever been struck by lightning or known any one who has???

No, but I know a clown. He has been dogging my steps since I was a child. I’ve tried to escape from him but he just keeps coming… please help me… I hate him so much! He’s trying to eat my eyes!!

In your treatise to Parliament, you claimed that the Large Hadron Collider was “bullshit” and a “threat to mankind”. Then, a few days later some dude showed up trying to sabotage it, saying he was from the future and sent back in time to stop it’s deployment. If I recall correctly, the man was going by a pseudonym of Mr. Rumsey.  How do you address this??

I have been collecting evidence on this damn imposter, and I’m finally close to catching him, the bastard!! It’s one of these three people:
Tyson – He may think he is clever but his fondness for crushing people’s heads in vices makes me suspicious.
Mettel Ray – she may give the impression of being normal, but her side activities such as covertly running the French, Chinese and Australian governments makes me suspect that she is up to no good.
Or it’s… YOU! … you must be the imposter! Why else would you follow me on holiday all the time, you must be studying me! That explains these questions too! How else can you convincingly pretend to be me, without a proper understanding of who I am. You sir, are rumbled.

Brown eggs… nutritional or the devil’s business????

Both. The devil is actually a very healthy guy and not all that bad to hang out with. You should give him a chance sometime. Plus, he fucking hates clowns.

I’ve been known to spend the day drinking Long Island Ice Teas and  be overcome by the urge to run around my town stark naked. You???

No. I only do that when I drink four cups of coffee. Three and I’m still lifeless, five and I’ve collapsed and am lying on the floor quivering from the huge caffeine rush.

Are you the type of person who sends someone an email at work and then walks over to their desk and asks them if they’ve read your email and if they haven’t you stand there staring at them until they do???

No, I just send them another email. Then another. Then another. Then another… until they just cave in and read the damn things!

I tend to break shoelaces pretty frequently. I guess that makes me hard on shoe laces. Any particular piece of clothing you’re rough on??

I once ripped a hole in an old shirt when trying to unbutton it. If you ignore the fact that it was very old and frail, then you’ll be impressed by my superhero like strength… I felt like The Hulk.

When we first moved into the neighborhood we live in now, there was a car with a license plate that read 8ASNAKE .  Our readers want to know – have you ever eaten a serpent??

No, but as soon as I do I’ll make sure you and your readers are the first to know about it. I once ate alligator, is that similar?? Not really…

Speaking of serpents, there’s a congressman over here named Anthony Weiner that keeps going around sending text message pictures of his weiner to chicks.  What do you think about a guy named Weiner getting into sex scandals over his weiner???

I think that he is a damn fool for living up to his name like that. I started living up to my name too, but that wasn’t all that useful. Why else do you think I would have changed it to James Rumsey Superrich,successful,andhappy??

Last but not least, I remember when I was a kid I was staying with my grandparents and they took me to church and I farted and it rattled on the hard, wooden pew. When they took me home that night they told my dad and he spanked my and I got grounded. Any similar stories for our readers????

Yes, I once owned a cat and he was lovely. He used to stare into my eyes and say the words ‘I can see into your soul, it’s full of chicken’. It was a nice experience, but I grew tired of him eventually and let him go when I was in a church. Yes, the same one which your experience took place in. Do you not remember the cat??